Don't Call Me That
by Molly Raesly
Summary: A series of drabbles between Lily and James that I decided to write because I wanted to be self-indulgent one last time.
1. Red

**Don't Call Me…That**

by Molly Raesly

* * *

_A/N: For Lilyflower98 because she asked._

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* * *

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**Red**

* * *

"All right, Evans?"

"Yes, thank you."

"What? You aren't going to ask me how I am doing? Why, Miss Evans, I'm surprised at you. Where are your manners?"

"Taking a vacation along with your self-respect."

"Unwarranted, Evans. Let's try that once more with civility."

"What's it going to take to get you to leave me alone, Potter?"

"That's a bit closer, but I'm not entirely sure you've got the pleasantry down."

"What do you want, Potter?"

"You mean besides an endless supply of treacle tart, my own chocolate frog card, and you to finally admit the undeniable chemistry between us?"

"You have approximately four seconds to spit something out before I backhand you for that last one."

"Simmer down, Evans. I was just wondering if you caught the match yesterday."

"Yes, I did. I was very glad we won, though the chasing was a bit weak."

"But I scored eight goals!"

"I'm sure you'll do better next time."

"Okay, okay. I get it. Next game I'll score ten goals for you."

"Joy."

"You know, most birds would be pretty excited about that promise."

"Well, Potter, I am neither excited nor a bird."

"Aww, Evans, you're always so cross with me. You need more excitement in your life. I didn't see you at the after party. We had loads of food, and Sirius snagged some firewhiskey. Why didn't you show?"

"I was otherwise occupied."

"That's code for you're not going to tell me, isn't it?"

"Don't you have other people to annoy, Potter?"

"Ah, Red, don't be that way. You know you're my favorite person to rile up."

"Lovely. I have finally achieved my life's goal – that was sarcasm, Potter. You can lower the eyebrow. Oh! And don't call me 'Red'."

"That is your hair color."

"Would you like to be called 'Black'?"

"Ugh, no! There'd be terrible confusion. Besides, I've met Sirius's mum. Not a family I'm looking to get into. Well, see you around…Red."

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_A/N: Hola! No, this is not my last Lily and James. That's coming out this spring. Severus. I'm just doing this because it's the very last idea on my very crinkled post-it from six years ago when I jotted down fic ideas. I'm going to be updating these drabbles all throughout the weekend and Monday, that day, well, you know._

_And yes, I do realize it's entirely dialogue. It's a stylistic choice. It's also a way to avoid actual plots because I'm a busy college student._

_Yours,_

_Molly_


	2. Uptight

**Uptight**

* * *

"What are you doing?"

"Reading. That's what you do when you hold up a book to your face, stare at it, and occasionally turn pages. I can understand why you would be confused, though."

"And why is that?"

"Because I don't reckon you know how to read, Potter. The concept must be so foreign."

"Ouch, Evans! Straight to the jugular. I have, in fact, read several volumes."

"Did they have – "

"No pictures, Evans. Actual text and everything. I even know what a semicolon is; it's a feat most people cannot claim."

"How'd you know I was going to ask you that?"

"The same way I knew you'd be cooped up in a lonely corner of the library on a Friday night. C'mon, Evans! Live a little. The night is young! Would it kill you to bend the rules for once in your life?"

"Physically? No. I don't want to take any chances, though. Besides, you don't know for sure that I never have a bit of fun. However, Potter, I would not wish to break any rules in your presence."

"Why? Afraid we'll end up in a broom closet after curfew? Ties off, uniforms…unbuttoned?"

"Ugh, you are such a prick. And I'd like to think I'm worth more than a quick grope in a closet."

"Be that as it may, you should still try to get out more. That's your problem, Evans. You're so uptight."

"I am not uptight."

"When's the last time you've had detention?"

"I've never had one."

"Point proven."

"In what form of moronic logic does not getting put in detention equate into being uptight?"

"It's a very advanced form. You probably wouldn't understand."

"Right. Because you've read so many books you know these things."

"Exactly, Evans. I knew you'd see it my way."

"Potter, I never see things your way."

"Then you're lucky. My eyes are bloody awful. From all the reading, of course."

"Oh, of course."

"I can still make you out pretty well, though."

"Potter, put your eyeballs back in their sockets and stop loosening your tie."

"Fine, fine. Be uptight if you must."

"I am not uptight."

"Yes, you are. Don't worry, though, Evans. I'm sure there's a self-help book you can read on it."


	3. Firecracker

**Firecracker**

* * *

"Okay, Potter, let's do this thing."

"Why, Miss Evans! You're not even going to buy me dinner first?"

"Potter."

"Sorry, sorry. I'm back on track."

"Let's just get this potion over with."

"Then you'll probably want as little help from me as possible. I'm ruddy terrible at this subject."

"Aha! A flaw is found."

"Yes, well. We all can't be as wonderful as you."

"Honestly, Sev is the potion master. He does the brunt of the work – when he's not sick with the flu, that is. I'm kind of just his trusty sidekick."

"Bet that's not all he wants you to be."

"What? Did you say something?"

"Just that it's a right shame Snivellus has a case of the sniffles. So nice of Slughorn to pair us together, though, in his absence."

"Yes. He'll be getting my fruit basket any day now."

"You don't sound very enthused. Are you saying you don't want to be my partner?"

"Uh-huh. Pass the newt eyes, Potter."

"Ugh, I don't do newt."

"Then how do you get your potions made? Half of them seem to require it."

"Peter."

"Oh, of course. It's nice to know that you care so deeply for your friends that you'll subjugate undesirable tasks to them, Potter."

"Aren't I grand?"

"The grandest. I'll cry myself to sleep once I get my real partner back."

"I bet you will."

"Keep the entendre out of your voice, Potter. There's nothing sexy about potions."

"What about when you have a fit partner?"

"Shut it, Potter."

"What? I was referring to myself!"

"Now I'm both insulted and irritated."

"Bollocks."

"Mmm."

"So…about him. Is there something going on there?"

"With who? Slughorn?"

"Ugh, no – and might I add, sick. You know who I mean."

"Yeah, but I'm going to make you say it."

"Bloody ruthless. Fine. Is there something going on between you and Snape?"

"That's none of your business, Potter."

"Mmm. I see."

"See what?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Potter! You're insufferable."

"_Au contraire_, Evans. I'm sure you could suffer through it."

"Potter, the only chance you would ever have with me is if I swallowed a whole cauldron filled with Amortentia, and even then, I doubt it'd work."

"You sure know what to say to make a bloke feel special."

"It's one of my better qualities."

"Is that supposed to be bubbling like that?"

"Ahh, shit!"

"Evans! What foul language! My poor ears."

"Oh, sod off, Potter. Nevermind, come back. I need you to stir this. Shit! Oh, stop covering your ears. Don't pretend to be innocent. We both know you're far from it."

"In practically all senses of the word – yes."

"I don't want to know what that means."

"You sure?"

"Completely."

"Say what you want, Evans. At least now I know that there's nothing going on between you and Snivellus."

"I didn't tell you that."

"You didn't have to. It's written all over your face."

"Where do you come off, Potter?"

"Relax, Firecracker. Someone's got to fix our potion."

"That's a horrible nickname. It doesn't describe me at all."

"No. The fact that you're practically shooting flames at me doesn't make sense. I agree with you, Evans. Completely."


	4. Flower

**Flower**

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* * *

**

"Dammit!"

"Need some help, Evans?"

"No."

"Okay, then."

"Ugh, fine! Potter, come back!"

"Do you require some assistance, Miss Evans?"

"Yes, I do."

"How'd you get caught in a trick stair?"

"I don't know. I was trying to read my book while I was walking, and I guess I wasn't paying close enough attention to where I was going."

"How long have you been stuck here?"

"A half hour?"

"That long! Didn't anyone see you?"

"Some Slytherins. Only, of course, they didn't try to help me."

"Those slimy gits!"

"Relax, Gryffindor boy. I don't blame them. After that little prank yesterday, I can understand why they wouldn't be feeling very courteous."

"It was only a bit of soap."

"Potter, you drenched them in it! I've never seen so many bubbles. I saw a fourth year coughing up some before."

"We were trying to show Snivelly the importance of personal hygiene."

"You know, that's not very nice."

"He wasn't very nice to you."

"No. He wasn't. Still, you should try to be at least civil to the Slytherins. They're not all scum."

"Just when they're not leaving a girl trapped in a staircase. Here, grab my arm. Oh, Merlin, Evans! I'm not going to bite you."

"Fine. Just no funny business."

"I don't reckon 'funny' was the word I had in mind." 

"Potter."

"There. You're free."

"Oh, thank Merlin. Crap!"

"What now?"

"I broke my quill. It was my favorite. Hestia gave it to me for my birthday."

"Wow, Evans. Talk about a rotten day. Here."

"Couldn't miss the chance to show off your Transfiguration skills?"

"Would it kill you to seem thankful?"

"Right. Well, it's very pretty. I'm surprised it's not a lily, though."

"Please. I'd like to think I have a bit more originality than that."

"Hyacinths are my favorite."

"Yeah. I know."

"Oh."

"So, anyway. This is yours."

"Uh, thanks…I guess."

"Yeah. Oh, sorry. The hair. Habit."

"Well, see you later. Thanks for this."

"Sure. No problem, Flower."

"Potter."

"Sorry, Evans, couldn't resist."


	5. Stupid

**Stupid**

**

* * *

**

"Oi, Evans, wait up!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Evans! Evans!"

"What? What do you possibly want?"

"Oh, um, Evans, are you crying?"

"No!"

"Well, it looks like – "

"I have allergies."

"Right."

"Yeah."

"Here, take this."

"You carry a hanky?"

"Look, do you want it or not?"

"Thank you."

"So…do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"You know, the thing that's causing your apparent allergy symptoms."

"No."

"Oh, okay."

"Ugh, sorry. I didn't mean to bite your head off. I just don't really feel like talking about it."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I always thought Fenwick was a huge tosser."

"No, he's not."

"Evans, he ditched you for some complete tart! You!"

"I know. He's a complete and utter git. Though, I guess I should have been expecting it. He'd been avoiding me – going out at night and not really telling me where he was headed. He'd been going out for a few weeks now without really bothering to explain himself, actually. I guess I was so wrapped up in schoolwork that I just didn't realize what he was really doing – or who he was doing things with. Great girlfriend, huh? I really messed things up."

"How is his idiocy your fault?"

"I dunno. I guess I should have been more attentive. I should have made more of an effort to see him. He blamed me. He said I was distant – guarded. That I'm incapable of opening up to people. That I was too focused on myself and school to ever be there for someone else. I think he's right."

"Evans, listen to me. Nothing that prat told you is true. If he's the one who cheated, it's on him. Don't believe a word he says."

"You have to say that."

"Why?"

"Because that's what people do when someone cheats on you. You say how awful the other person is and how much better you are without them. And it never really works because if the person is so wonderful, then why did they get chucked? Why did they get cheated on?"

"Yeah, I know. But I mean it. No one who actually deserved you would ever cheat on you, Evans. It sounds stupid, but it's true."

"Yeah, except how come I'm the one who's left alone?"

"Not asking the easy questions today, are you, Evans?"

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize. I wish I had an answer for you. Though, you aren't alone completely. I mean, I'm here."

"Yeah."

"Don't sound so excited by the news."

"Uh, sorry. It's just been….one of those days. I kind of wish it was tomorrow already. Scratch that. I wish it was ten years from now, and I'm crazy and blissfully happy and can barely even remember who Benjy Fenwick is."

"Ten years from now? He'll probably be modeling women's dress robes. Don't tell me you haven't noticed the way he sways his hips a bit."

"Oh my Merlin! You are so right!"

"I swear. Sirius reckons it looks like he's got a wand shoved up his bum."

"I wouldn't be surprised."

"See! Now, why would you even want to consider dating that?"

"Yeah, especially for three months. Ugh, I can't believe this. Look at me. I'm a mess."

"No, you're not."

"Potter."

"Okay, yes. You've looked better. You're not a mess, though. It's all going to be okay."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Oh, you know, I reckon I've got to use my heart every once in a while, otherwise it'll shrink."

"Your jokes are awful."

"And yet, I think I got you to crack a smile, Miss Evans."

"Yes, well. Oh, um, here."

"You can keep it. You know, in case your allergies come back."

"Thanks. Bloody hell. You must think I'm a complete slag. I know you heard those rumors about – "

"Those things Fenwick was saying? Please. As if I'd believe anything that berk says. Don't be stupid."

"Did you just call me stupid?"

"Yes."

"Well, then you're an idiot."

"Only for you, Evans."


	6. Perfect

**Perfect**

**

* * *

**

"Potter!"

"Go away!"

"Potter, c'mon!"

"Leave me alone."

"Please open the door!"

"No."

"Well, at least remove the anti-Alohomora spell."

"No."

"Potter, talk to me!"

"I don't want to talk to anyone."

"I'm not going to stand outside this door forever."

"Good."

"Oh, c'mon, Potter! Just bloody open it already. You need to talk to someone."

"No, I really don't."

"James Potter, open this door right now before I blast it open."

"Fine, fine! There."

"Thank you."

"Mmm."

"Okay, stop avoiding the issue. What's wrong?"

"I'd rather not discuss it."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I want to discuss it. And I make a point of getting what I want."

"I'd noticed."

"Tell me."

"It's complicated."

"I'm sure I can keep up."

"And long."

"Yes, well, I'm obviously threatening to break down doors because I'm running short on time."

"Funny."

"Tell me what's wrong."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Maybe not, but you'll probably feel better if you get it out. C'mon."

"Er…"

"Okay, I'll ease you into it. I know you haven't been talking to any of your friends lately. The quiet has been unusually present at the Gryffindor table. At first it was welcome, but now it's getting slightly unnerving. Did you guys have a fight?"

"No."

"Potter."

"Maybe."

"What was it about?"

"Stuff."

"Okay, can you vague that up for me?"

"Look, I really can't go into it. I made a promise to keep a secret. A promise that apparently not everyone values."

"But it's causing drama?"

"Nope. I've just shut myself up in this empty classroom because I thought it'd be fun. You know, just a little 'me' time."

"Potter."

"Well, you're being a huge toerag about this whole ordeal, just so you know."

"Thanks, Evans."

"And if you need someone to talk to after you're done being twelve, I'm, well, I'm here."

"Thanks, Evans."

"Just stop acting so oddly. It's starting to give me the creeps. I can't stand you all moody. I swear I haven't seen you touch your hair in a week and a half. I'm half convinced I should sic Madame Pomfrey on you."

"I'll make a note."

"And, just so you know, I think Sirius misses you. I seem him looking at you when your head's turned."

"Evans."

"What? I was just trying to be helpful. You two should just forgive each other. Fighting isn't worth it."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Good. Well, I'm going to leave you to your toerag ways. Oh, and I've changed my mind. Do try not to rumple your hair so often. It makes you look like you have a horrible case of dandruff."

"Again with the compliments."

"Okay, so the hair thing really isn't so bad."

"Thank you. You know, for this."

"Well, er, you've been having a couple of rough few days. I thought I'd return the favor of a good pep talk."

"When's the talk coming?"

"I already gave it."

"Oh, right…"

"See you later, I suppose."

"Yeah."

"And then we'll be back to normal. I figure we're square now. So you can go back to being the James Potter I know and abhor."

"Evans, has anyone ever told you that you're kind of perfect?"

"Only you, Potter."


	7. Fanatic

**Fanatic**

**

* * *

**

"Oi, Evans, what are you doing here?"

"I, uh, finished my essay early, and I didn't really want to go back to the dorms yet. So I thought I'd take a walk, and then I heard people down at the pitch so I decided to come check it out."

"How long have you been sitting up there?"

"Just a few minutes."

"McCoy saw you up here. She thought you were a spy for Slytherin."

"Well, that's insulting."

"I'll make sure to reprimand her later. Fifty laps in your honor. So. Reckon we have a good shot for the Cup this year?"

"I'd say it's a definite possibility."

"You know, Evans, spying on practice and everything, I reckon that makes you a Quidditch fanatic. Are you going to start painting your face for the game?"

"It really wasn't a conscious decision. I just sort of ended up here."

"Mmm."

"I actually should probably get going. It's getting late."

"I'll walk back up to the castle with you."

"No, I should really go. Thanks for letting me spy on practice. I'll see you later."

"Oi, everyone! Practice is ending early. Go hit the showers and catch up on some sleep."

"You didn't have to do that."

"C'mon, let's go."


	8. Pet

**Pet**

**

* * *

**

"You really don't have an owl?"

"No."

"How is that possible?"

"Well, by not actually possessing an owl, I accomplish the feat of not having one."

"I love it when you get logical."

"Potter."

"I know, I know. Cheeky comments are not allowed between friends. You do realize that I don't want to be just your friend, don't you, Evans?"

"Potter."

"Switching topics! Or rather, switching back. Why don't you have an owl?"

"I dunno. I really only talk to a few friends over the summers, and they all have owls. And then when I'm here, I just use the school ones to send letters back home. Plus, it'd probably be a bit awkward."

"Awkward? Why?"

"Petunia."

"I'm confused. Why are we talking about flowers?"

"Ugh, not a flower. My sister."

"Petunia and Lily?"

"Yes. Don't bother coming up with a clever witticism. I've heard them all."

"Why, Evans, aren't you as fresh as a daisy?"

"Potter."

"So, why are things awkward with Petunia and owls? Does she have bird fear?"

"Nope, just freak fear."

"Freak?"

"That's her wonderfully political incorrect term for witches and wizards. Petunia's all about intermuggle relations."

"I'll bet. She sounds lovely."

"Oh, the loveliest. She positively hates me."

"I doubt that."

"Wanna bet?"

"Not especially. But don't all siblings love each other?"

"Theoretically."

"I'm sure she cares for you. It's probably just a bit deeper down than you'd like. Her love is in her kidneys."

"So that she can purify it along with her pee?"

"Apart from the incredible grossness of that question, yes."

"Cheers!"

"Thanks, pet."

"Okay, you are not allowed to call me that."

"What? Pet? I like it."

"Well, I don't."

"Fine, fine. Am I at least allowed to buy you one? You know, as a friend thing! Stop it with the warning looks, Evans! You're making me kidneys skip a beat from fear!"


	9. Finicky

**Finicky**

**

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**

"For the love of Merlin!"

"What's the matter, Evans, didn't have time to floss this morning?"

"No. I ripped my tights."

"Ahh. So you did. Want any help getting rid of them?"

"_Reparo_."

"Spoil my fun, why don't you?"

"Shut it, Potter. You know, you could do with a bit more care in your appearance."

"Why? I wear a uniform every day?"

"Yes, but you're missing a button right there."

"Where?"

"Here. See? It's all frayed."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I like you when you're finicky, Evans."

"Potter."

"Fine, fine! I'll get the button sewn back on. Happy?"

"Ecstatic."


	10. Fleur de Lils

**Fleur de Lils**

**

* * *

**

"I can't believe you like their music."

"Why? It's good stuff."

"It sounds like they just bang pots and pans around. You barely even notice the guitar. The singing is worse than Sirius."

"Wow, Potter. I didn't know you were such a music snob."

"I am a man of refinement, Evans. There are few things I have true taste for: fine food, good music, and beautiful women."

"Weren't you the one running around in just your Quidditch pads and screeching the school song the other day?"

"Well, that's different."

"How?"

"That was a dare."

"Ahh, right."

"Hey, I got off easy. We made Remus snog a Mimbulus Mimbletonia."

"Yes, Potter. You are the quintessence of sophistication."

"Indeed, my Fleur de lils."

"Ugh, I hate that nickname."

"Of course you do. You have no civility at all, Evans. I'm going to have to offer you my services."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. Fear not, though. Under my tutelage, I'll have you dining with the right silverware."

"I can rest easy now."

"Unless you're dreaming about me, of course, Mademoiselle Fleur de Lils."

"Potter."

"Remember when I was the one mocking you? I'd like to go back to that happy experience."

"That's what I thought, Monsieur."


	11. Reliable

**Reliable**

**

* * *

**

"Good evening."

"Hey, Evans."

"What's going on?"

"Oh, I'm just getting ready to go out for the night."

"That sounds like fun."

"Yeah, the boys and I are going to have a bit of an adventure tonight."

"Exciting."

"Yeah. Hey, where are you headed?"

"The library."

"Okay, I'll walk with you. I'm headed that way too."

"All right."

"Did you by chance copy down the Charms notes from class today? My mind was somewhere else, and I ended the class with a bunch of doodles and nothing about whatever Flitwick was talking about."

"The hormophous charm."

"Really, go figure."

"But, yeah, I can let you copy down my notes."

"Oh, great. Thanks, Evans. You're always so reliable. Well, I better be going. Have fun at the library."

"Thanks. You have fun too."

"Oh, I can pretty much guarantee it."

"Potter!"

"Yeah, Evans?"

"Am I boring?"

"Good night, Evans."


	12. Tiny

**Tiny**

**

* * *

**

"So."

"So."

"We haven't talked in a while."

"Yeah, I've been busy."

"I've noticed."  
"Why, Miss Evans, do I detect a hint of malice in your voice?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Utterly."

"All right then."

"Yep."

"So. You're just digging your fingernails into your palms because you like drawing blood?"

"Fine. You've got me. Who is she?"

"She, who?"

"Potter."

"Sorry. I just want to take a chance to bask in this moment. Do you have a camera on you?"

"Potter."

"You know, Evans, jealousy isn't really your color."

"I'm not jealous."

"Of course you're not."

"I was just wondering who she is. As a friend, I think I'm entitled to know the name of someone a friend is suddenly spending all his time with."

"Evans, please be more transparent. I think I would enjoy the view."

"Potter."

"Her name is Yvonne Lhuisset. She's thinking about transferring from Beauxbatons. Dumbledore asked me to show her around because we already know each other."

"Oh. Umm, where do you know each other from?"

"She's my second cousin."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"She seems like a very nice girl."

"I'll be sure to pass on the message."

"And, just so you know, I really wasn't jealous. I was just concerned."

"Concerned?"  
"Yes. It seems like she has a crush on Sirius. I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

"Thanks for looking after my wellbeing, Evans."

"Yep."

"You know, you seem smaller when you're being petty."

"Potter."

"I swear! It's the strangest thing. You're tiny right now."

"Potter."

"You know, in a completely and ferociously diminutive sort of way."

"Potter."

"Evans."

"I'm leaving now."

"You do that."

"Fine."

"Oh, and Tiny! Thanks for caring about my wellbeing."


	13. Stubborn

**Stubborn**

**

* * *

**

"Evans, you need to stop."

"No."

"Evans."

"I said 'no,' Potter."

"And I respect that. I really do. But you're not going to beat me."

"Yes. I am."

"Evans, you've lost the last four games."

"That's only because Remus's chess pieces don't really trust me."

"I've seen them listen to Sirius, Evans. It's not the pieces. It's you. You're just not very good at chess."

"I'm brilliant at chess."

"Umm…"

"No, it's true! I'm really good. I know all the finer elements of the game."

"Be that as it may, you still haven't won a single round."

"Well, that's because you're annoyingly good, and I know that you keep refilling my butterbeer when you think I'm not looking."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I've been refilling yours."

"Well, I don't reckon it's helping your plight. Check mate."

"What? Where did that come from?"

"Oh, c'mon, Evans. I've been telegraphing that move for about six turns. It was bloody obvious."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. It's late. Go to bed. You'll be less cranky in the morning."

"One more go."

"Evans."

"One more."

"You are so ruddy stubborn."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Only people who are stubborn say they're not."

"Well, you're stubborn too."

"Ugh."

"See! Now you can't refute it because you'd only be contradicting yourself."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. Knight to E9."


	14. Cheeky

**Cheeky**

**

* * *

**

"So at Hogsmeade, I think I want to buy my weight in chocolate."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. So I might need to borrow a bit of money from Sirius now that he's loaded. Unless you reckon Remus already has the entire stock of Honeydukes stored underneath his bed."

"And who says you're coming with us to Hogsmeade?"

"Please. Like you guys haven't been hinting at me to go with you all week."

"You, Miss Evans, are quite cheeky."

"Only when I'm right, Potter."

"So all the time, you mean?"

"Naturally."


	15. Mean

**Mean**

**

* * *

**

"Do you own a black dress?"

"What?"

"Slughorn is making me go to one of his bloody meetings."

"Wow, sorry."

"Not as sorry as you're going to be."

"Why is that?"

"Er…"

"James Potter, explain yourself."

"I sort of told Slughorn that you'd go with me."

"Potter!"

"I couldn't help it! He kept going on about how he was so surprised to see that I had made Head Boy – "

"Understatement."

"—And how he thought he should hold a party to commemorate the new start of term."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"Well, he was telling me about how he wanted to host the party, and I was sort of tuning him out. Er.."

"Understandable. Get to the point, Potter."

"And then suddenly he clapped his hands together and said he was delighted that my partner would be joining us."

"How could you let him do that?"

"I dunno! It just happened."

"Potter, you are such a prat."

"I'm sorry! He cornered me! And it's not completely my fault!"

"Oh, are you sure you want those to be your last words?"

"No, I'm serious. I think he's got a crush on you. I don't like it."

"Worried about the competition?"

"Do you want me to be?"

"I have a black dress."

"Excellent."

"But I'm not going with you to the party."

"Aww, c'mon, Evans!"

"Nope."

"You're mean."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You're a cruel, mean girl."

"Fine. I'll go to the party."

"Yes!"

"But I'm bringing Remus as my date."

"Of bloody course you are."


	16. Scary

**Scary**

**

* * *

**

"Sodding piece of shit."

"Why am I always around when you decide to break out the profanity, Evans?"

"Ugh, you again?"

"Hello to you too, Evans. What's with the Slytherin speak?"

"I dunno. Maybe you just inspire the very worst in me."

"What's the matter? Why are you taking your aggression out on a poor pillow?"

"Because the armchair would have fought back."

"Haha. Solid logic."

"Yes, I thought so."

"Okay, Evans. Tell me what's causing you to attack defenseless cushions."

"I think my mind is going to implode."

"Okay. That is a definite issue."

"You're telling me."

"What can I do to help?"

"You could tell McGonagall that she is a sadist for giving us so much work and expecting us to able to perform ridiculously complicated human transfiguration."

"Something gives me the idea that she wouldn't like that very much."

"It would make me feel better."

"And it would get me detention."

"Please. Like that would be a new experience for you."

"Touché. Still, though, I wouldn't want to put my Transfiguration marks in peril."

"Not that you would need to. You're ruddy brilliant at this rubbish."

"Why, Miss Evans! Was that an actual compliment?"

"Don't get a bigger head."

"I shall do my very best. Now, c'mon. Put that book down."

"But I need to practice. I'm awful."

"You can practice later. I'll help you. You can even transfigure me."

"Potter."

"Not now, Evans. Later, I promise. Right now, my Head Girl, you need a bit of fun."

"Mmm."

"Evans, let me be your distraction."

"All right."

"Wonderful!"

"So where are we going?"

"It's a secret."

"You know I don't like secrets."

"Trust me, Evans. This one you'll like."

"Remember the last time you tried to pull some of this secret nonsense on me?"

"I don't reckon a man ever truly forgets the first time a girl charms his trousers on fire."

"You were just lucky that's all I did."

"Lucky! I was lucky Remus is good with _Aguamenti _charms!"

"Please. It was only a little bit of fire."

"Fire, Evans. Fire. You were so mad that day. I thought you were going to chop my head off."

"I wasn't that bad."

"You, my dear, we're scary."

"No, I wasn't!"

"Positively frightful, I swear!"

"You're embellishing."

"I never ever, I swear on my firstborn child and my mum's famously delicious treacle tart, embellish anything even in the teensiest bit."

"I bet."

"Exactly. Wonderful! We're here."

"The kitchens? This is the grand surprise?"

"You know where the kitchens are?"

"I am the Head Girl. Give me a little bit of credit. I thought you were going to show me something scandalous."

"Well, I thought I'd need to take it slow with you. I had assumed it was your first time."

"Don't be naïve, Potter. C'mon, show me what you got. I'm ready."

"Lily Evans desiring rule breaking? Now, that really is scary!"

"Shut it, Potter, or I'll hex you."

"Not really helping your case, oh scariferous one."


	17. Lily

**Lily**

**

* * *

**

"Good morning. Are you trying to eat your weight in bacon today?"

"'Lo, Lily….What?"

"Oh, um, nothing."

"Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, James. Everything is okay."

"That was my bacon."

"And now it's in my mouth."

"Lucky bacon."


	18. Beautiful

**Beautiful**

**

* * *

**

"Lily."

"Yes?"

"Why aren't I the ruler of the universe, yet?"

"Because the universe has an ounce of sense. You should look into it for yourself."

"Who needs sense when I have you to ground my world?"

"Really, James?"

"What? I thought it was sweet."

"Sweet as in Madame Puddifoot sweet."

"Ugh, now I feel emasculated."

"You should."

"Lily, fix this!"

"Really, James?"

"It's your fault. You did this to me. I feel all wretched inside. How will I face the lads knowing that I was compared to the devil's lair?"

"I suppose you'll just have to grin and bear it."

"The stoics never agreed with me."

"Then you'll just have to discover a new philosophy."

"Aha! What a wonderful idea! You, Lily, shall be my muse."

"Why do I get this feeling this is leading to someplace that isn't good?"

"Hush. As my muse, you are just supposed to sit there and look pretty."

"Well, right away we know there's a problem there."

"Oh, quit it, Lily. You know you're beautiful."

"Er...right."

"Miss Evans, do I detect a blush?"

"No."

"Ah, are you having another allergic reaction?"

"Yes. I'm allergic to your bullshit."

"Then we'll have to get you a potion, beautiful, because you're not going to be free from it any time soon."


	19. Lils

**Lils**

**

* * *

**

"Hi."

"Hey, you."

"What are you doing outside?"

"I dunno. I was thinking."

"About before?"

"Yeah."

"Look, Lily, if I got my signals crossed, you can tell me. I might end up writing some extremely depressing sonnets, but I'll be okay."

"Sonnets, huh?"

"Oh, yes. I get very poetic when I'm miserable."

"And when you're happy?"

"I'm kissing you again."

"James."

"Lils."

"Don't call me that."

"Why not?"

"My dad calls me that."

"Well, I wouldn't you thinking about your dad right now, would I?"

"Definitely not."


	20. Lilykins

**Lilykins**

**

* * *

**

"Rise and shine, Lily!"

"What are you doing in my room?"

"Waking you up! C'mon! We've got a Quidditch match today. You're contractually obligated as my girlfriend to come and cheer for me."

"No."

"Yes! Let's go! Up!"

"Ungh."

"You know, you kind of sound like a mountain troll when you do that – especially with the hair you're sporting."

"Get out of my room."

"If I do, will you promise to get up?"

"Yes."

"Fine. By the way, I've left you one of my jerseys for the game, Lilykins."

"That's a revolting nickname."

"Wear the jersey, and I'll never call you it again."

"Deal."

"Lovely."

"Get out, Potter. You've got a match to win."

"As you wish, my Lilykins. Bloody oww! Merlin, woman, I've got to play Quidditch today, yeah?"

"I warned you."

"You're feisty in the morning."

"Go win a Quidditch match, Potter, or you'll see feisty."


	21. Romantic

**Romantic**

**

* * *

**

"James, you've got to be kidding me."

"What?"

"Really, you thought this would be a good idea?"

"I'll have you know, Lily, many house-elves were duped into helping me with this. Moonlight picnics do not just cook themselves."

"You are so cheesy I'm surprised Peter hasn't taken a bite."

"Oh, believe me, he's tried."

"Really?"

"Yes, but alas, I had to tell him that I was taken."

"By anyone I know?"

"Maybe. Ahh, there."

"Candles, really?"

"Evans, I like to woo properly."

"Mmm."

"Admit it, Lily. You're a romantic."

"I didn't use to be."


	22. Tease

**Tease**

**

* * *

**

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No. Merlin, James. I'm not Peter. Those tricks don't work on me."

"Well, I thought it'd at least be worth a go. Don't kill a bloke for trying."

"James, if I had wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already."

"Before we've even had our third date? I think not."

"You'd be dead."

"If I die from you, do I get any points?"

"No."

"C'mon, Lily!"

"James, I am not going to ride on the back of your broomstick like a complete tart."

"Why not?"

"What part about 'tart' did you not comprehend?"

"Oh, come on, Lily. It'll be fun. The moon will be out. The wind will be whipping at our hair. You'll have to squeeze in close."

"Exactly."

"See! I knew you'd see reason."

"Potter."

"Pretty please with Remus's secret stash of chocolate on top?"

"Why can't we just have a romantic date in the library? You can watch me write my Potions essay."

"Really, Lily?"

"Well, at least I wouldn't be a complete slag in my scenario."

"How come your scenarios always end up with me looking like a pouf?"

"I'm just trying to protect my property. For reasons unbeknownst to me, you are apparently a highly desired commodity. This way, people will see you for how girly you really are."

"Do we need a repeat of last Tuesday's rounds?"

"Maybe. After I finish my essay, though."

"I think you study too much, Lily. You need a break."

"Yeah, I suppose I could use something to reduce the stress."

"I could be something."

"Mmm, you could also be my hero and go nick me some of Remus's super secret stash of chocolate."

"And why would I want to do that?"

"Because I'd be really grateful."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah."

"How grateful?"

"I might even let you watch me read my Charms textbook."

"You, Miss Evans, are a tease."

"Maybe."

"Definitely."


	23. Love

**Love**

**

* * *

**

"Lily, love, you're being ridiculous."

"Don't call me that."

"But, Lily, you are being ridiculous."

"Not that. Love. Don't call me that unless you mean it."

"Lily, love, you're being ridiculous."


	24. Hopeless

**Hopeless**

**

* * *

**

"I can't do this."

"Blasphemy! Of course you can."

"James, these tests are the most important exams of our lives."

"Wait, who said anything about prostates?"

"James!"

"Oh, right. N.E.W.T.s. Spoil my fun, why don't you?"

"That's it. I've officially gone insane."

"Yes, but for some reason, I keep coming around."

"I can't study anymore."

"Then don't. C'mon. Sirius was thinking about sneaking out for a bit to let off some steam. You should come. I'll make sure you have fun."

"How can you be so blasé about all of this? These are our last exams. It's our last chance to prove ourselves! It's our last act as Hogwarts students."

"Thank bloody Merlin."

"James! Don't you realize how sheltered we are here? What's going to happen when we get out into the real world? Everything is going to be different. We don't know if we'll even…"

"Lily Evans, you are hopeless."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes. You have a wicked sickness, and it's causing you to stress about irrelevant things. See, Lily, you're just scared that things will change because you are hopelessly in love with me and the thought of not seeing my handsome face every day scares you out of your wits."

"Oh, really?

"Yep. There is a cure, though."

"And what is that?"

"It's more the type of thing you show than tell."


	25. Yours

**Yours**

**

* * *

**

"I'm thinking about cutting my hair."

"No."

"And I'm also thinking about getting a boyfriend who isn't a complete misogynist."

"Ugh, sorry. Just don't. Please."

"But with summer coming, I don't want it so long. It's a right pain."

"I like it."

"I know you do."

"Please, Lily?"

"You're a prat."

"At least I'm your prat."

"Wonderful. Can't wait to tell my friends. I bet they don't have a prat like mine."

"And your mine too."

"Hold on a tick, Potter. I don't remember agreeing to be yours."

"Please, Lily, you were always mine."

"Potter."

"In a completely feminist way in which we both share an equal partnership."

"That's more like it."

"You're still mine, though."

"I guess I could live with being yours."


	26. Evans

**Evans**

**

* * *

**

"What's taking so long?"

"I have to let the water actually boil before I can cook anything, James. It's a novel concept, I know, but you'll just have to accept it."  
"Isn't this what wands are for? Magic, Lily. We went to Hogwarts for a reason."

"I know."

"So why are you insisting on using the stove?"

"James, this is our first meal together in our house. Do you really want to tarnish that by throwing together a quick fix? Or do you want to shut your trap and set the table?"

"I'm hungry."

"The plates are in the box by the couch."

"I'm still hungry."

"And I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find some silverware in there too."

"I'm pregnant with Sirius's baby, and I want Remus to be the godfather."

"What?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were still listening."

"Potter, stop being a git."

"What? I can't help it! I'm hungry."

"And I'm working on it. The pasta will be done soon."

"It'd be done by now if we just used a little bit of magic."

"Open up the fridge. I need you to get some butter."

"Okay, fine, fine. Why, Lily, did you put a tray of cheese in here just for me?"

"I figured you get hungry waiting."

"Fie bove schu."

"Lovely."

"Only the best for you, Evans."

"Oi, watch it!

"Sorry…Potter."

"Just don't make the same mistake again, Potter."

"Don't worry, Lily, I'll never call you that again."

* * *

_A/N: The End._

_Happy Valentine's Day!_


End file.
